The Curious Case of the Woman Demented by Spring

There must be something in the air, so goes the saying. For most of us, it’s merely an expression. Well, it seems that for one ‘journalist’ at the Guardian, this popular turn of phrase has been taken a little too literally. An extraordinary article by Nell Frizzell appeared on the Guardian website over the spring bank holiday weekend – you can read it here: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/may/01/smells-sex-out-there-determined-ignore-spring-scent-park-bordello?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other. While most of us are experiencing the familiar joy of witnessing the beauty of nature as spring springs, relishing the sight of bluebells, and the birdsong that accompanies them, the Guardian’s young Nell appears to have been overcome by noxious fumes. As, it would seem, has her Editor, who somewhat bizarrely appears to have given her license to produce a piece comparing this annual wonder of nature to an inuendo-laden Carry-On film.

There appears to be not much guarding going on at the Guardian. Within the first three paragraphs, Nell is beside herself, frothing at the bit, and likening the miraculous and wonderous process of pollination to the fervour of a horny teenager. We are told that “Britain right now smells like sex”, followed swiftly by the words “fornication”, “coitus”, “bonking”, and, scaling down as she goes, “shagging”, before finally reaching the conclusion that our pavements smell like “fucking”! I am unsure where Ms. Frizzell resides, but frankly, I am personally glad I don’t live there. I am not sure I would relish a place where the smell of nettles settles in my nostrils instead as “menstrual”, or where the scent of an ornamental pear is experienced as a “semen whiff”. What a peculiar place to live!

The whole piece is reminiscent of something produced by a drunk university student, desperately trying to get a laugh from her student peers. It is leery, and creepy, and to be honest, feels a little sinister in its desperate desire to reduce the awe of nature to nothing more than a quick shag in the bike sheds after school.

I cannot help but wonder what the motives here are. Nature is becoming increasingly unfashionable: fake meat, distancing ourselves from other humans, cleaning ourselves and our homes to exacting and clinical standards – what a frighteningly sterile world we are being conditioned to accept. I for one do not.

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